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Europa League Final: Pogba And Mkhitaryan On Target As Man Utd Cruise To Victory Over Ajax On Emotional Night (Photos & Video):

May 24th, 2017

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Undoubted Highlight Of Europa League Final: Ajax ‘Keeper Andre Onana Does A Magic Fart (Video):

May 24th, 2017

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Just a half-time quickie to bring you Pies’ official highlight of the Europa League Final so far.

Here’s Ajax ‘keeper André Onana using his downstairs trumpet to conjure up a BT Sport graphic…

Quite the talent. Indeed, subtle shades of Rafa Benitez’s classic sleight of hand there.

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And yes, before you ask – it has been a slow match so far.



‘I Could Not Care Less’ – John Terry Bluntly Dismisses Criticism Of Self-Orchestrated Chelsea Farewell Substitution:

May 24th, 2017

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John Terry has dismissed criticism surrounding the manner in which he ended his Chelsea career, insisting he “couldn’t care less” what people think of his contrived ‘farewell’ substitution.

Terry was subbed off in the 26th minute of the Blues’ final Premier League game of the season against Sunderland, as his teammates gathered to clap him off with a mid-game guard of honour.

It was duly revealed that the whole thing was in fact Terry’s idea, with Black Cats manager David Moyes also agreeing before kick-off to have one of his players hoof the ball out of touch at the appropriate juncture.

The charade drew scorn from across the board, with pundits and fans deriding the contrived manner in which the departing captain chose to wave himself off.

However, quite in-keeping with his character, Terry remains entirely unapologetic about his little self-reverential ceremonial interlude (via Guardian):

I couldn’t care less, I promise you. All I care about is celebrating with my Chelsea fans. Me and them have a wonderful rapport and have done for 22 years.

Nothing that people write or say can ever get in the way of that.

If that’s the way I want to go out, that’s the way I go out because I’ve been here 22 years, I’ve won so many trophies – so if I wanted to play one minute and come off, I would have done.

I wanted to play 26 minutes because the shirt number means a lot to me and the supporters so as long as they are happy – and I was over the moon with the reception – I promise you I could not care less.

It was an unbelievable send-off from the supporters to help me to celebrate 22 years at the club.

I’m very grateful to them, and it was something I will never forget. It was so emotional after the game, I was in bits.

I, I, I. Me, me, me. Utterly consumed by his own self-mythology.

Honestly, great central defender as he doubtlessly was, we’re not going to miss John Terry the man one iota.



Frankfurt’s Guillermo Varela Ruled Out Of German Cup Final By Badly Inflamed Tattoo, Suspended By Club As A Result:

May 24th, 2017

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Eintracht Frankfurt full-back Guillermo Varela has been ruled out of the German Cup final after having a bad reaction to a tattoo he had done on Monday.

Varela was due to start for Frankfurt against Dortmund in the DFB Pokal final this coming Saturday.

However, the 24-year-old disobeyed the orders of his coach, Niko Kovac, and went under the needle four days before the match – a decision that has subsequently back-fired rather significantly.

According to Sky Sports Germany, Kovac instructed Varela (on loan from Manchester United, if you’re struggling to place the name) to delay his tattoo but the Uruguayan upstart thought he knew better.

Now, the scab has become “inflamed” to the point where he won’t be able to take part in Frankfurt’s biggest fixture for quite some time.

If only there was an applicable German phrase for this kind of thing.

UPDATE: It just gets better!

As per ESPN FC, Varela has now been suspended by Frankfurt after sporting director Fredi Bobic described his conduct as “reckless” in a statement.

Guillermo’s path at Eintracht ends here. The club can’t put up with a player acting against the coach’s and doctors’ instructions.

We were already considering extending his loan. But that’s naturally no longer an issue. Guillermo will be suspended with immediate effect.

Outstanding. Denied a cup final, suspended and denied a more than decent career move, all in one fell swoop.

Still, bet that ink’s going to look fantastic in the United reserves next season.



‘Thanks For Letting Me Know’ – Alex Bruce Obviously Didn’t Get The Memo About Being Released By Hull City:

May 24th, 2017

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With relegation confirmed and a tilt at life in the Championship to gear up for, Hull City have confirmed that several players will be allowed to leave the club come the end of June.

The biggest name included on the Tigers’ ‘released’ list was that of long-serving defender Alex Bruce, who has been on the books at the KCOM Stadium since 2012.

Sadly, it would appear that five years of service wasn’t enough to earn Bruce a cursory heads-up about his impending fate.

Indeed, the 32-year-old was evidently forced to learn about his release after stumbling across the news on Twitter…

Granted, he’s only made nine starts for Hull since the start of the 2015/16 season, but still…

Obviously a little professional courtesy was just too much to ask for.



Liverpool Old Boys: Jurgen Klopp Gives Minutes To Several Familiar Faces In Post-Season Sydney FC Friendly (Photos):

May 24th, 2017

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Barely a day or so after the culmination of the Premier League season, Liverpool were packing up and flying out to Australia for a corporately-mandated friendly against Sydney FC.

Standard drill: Spend the entire latter half of the campaign griping about fixture congestion only to clamber onto a 22-hour flight to the other side of the planet the moment it comes to an end.

Anyway, while Jurgen Klopp’s travelling entourage featured the standard mix of first- and youth-team fodder, the German coach also had the dubious honour of having several Liverpool old boys/ambassadors available for selection.

Reds alumni Steven Gerrard, Steve McManaman, Jamie Carragher and Daniel Agger all made the trip, with all four playing a bit-part in proceedings.

At time of writing, the match is still in progress with Liverpool leading 3-0 through goals from Alberto Moreno (2) and Roberto Firmino.

Bless him. Carra has never looked pinker.



Cristiano Ronaldo Spotted Dazed, Unresponsive And In Alarming State Of Undress On London Street (Photo):

May 24th, 2017

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Obviously Real Madrid’s title-winning celebrations got a little out of hand after the team were formally presented as La Liga champions on Monday afternoon.

Indeed, some two days later, Cristiano Ronaldo was found dazed, blank-eyed, entirely unresponsive and in a state of mysterious undress while trapped in a plastic crate in the middle of a busy London thoroughfare.

Asked how he managed to make it from Madrid to a box near Carnaby Street in 48 hours while wearing nothing but his pants, Ronaldo remained tight-lipped as he simply vibrated aggressively.

Poor chap. The relentless pressure to perform has obviously cracked him.

This is his ‘driving to Dundee in his bare feet’ moment.



Copa Argentina: Sacachispas Pull Off Cup Shock After Dressing Up As Superheroes Before Kick-Off (Photo & Video):

May 24th, 2017

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Photo: @sacachispasok/Twitter

Realising they had a mountain to climb, fourth-tier Sacachispas decided to assemble their very own Justice League in a bid to knock Primera Division side Arsenal de Sarandi out of the Copa Argentina.

Having raided the local party shop beforehand, Sacachispas’ players lined up for their customary pre-match photo while wearing a variety of different superhero masks, from Iron Man to the Incredible Hulk.

Rather incredibly, the team in fancy dress went on to pull off the shock result of the round.

A goal from Batman (or possibly Darth Vader, or maybe Predator) ensued the game finished 1-1 after 120 minutes, only for Sacachispas to plunder a 6-5 victory in the subsequent penalty shoot-out.

Given the result, Pies would suggest that they make a habit of dressing up before matches – but alas, it appears this is hardly a new thing!

The big bloody loonies.



Yabba Dabba Don’t: Dele Alli Reveals Flintstones Tattoo Hidden Beneath Those Long-Sleeved Undershirts (Photo):

May 24th, 2017

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Who’d have thunk it, but squirrelled away beneath those long-sleeved undershirts, Dele Alli has a little tattoo of one of Hanna Barbera’s finest.

Indeed, as revealed by this dispatch from Spurs’ post-season jaunt to Hong Kong, Alli has had the image of The Flinstone’s very own Bam Bam Rubble inked on his left forearm…

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Photo: @spursofficial/Instagram

Yep, that’s Bam Bam alright.

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Of course, rather than being a dyed-in-the-wool fan of everybody’s favourite modern stone age family, it’s more likely that Alli’s body art is a reference to his nickname, Bam Bam (his full first name being Bamidele).

Slightly naff, but just about dorkishly adorable enough to slip by.

(Via Charlie Parrish/@charlieparrish)



‘I Wanna Kick Some Ball Tonight’ – Bournemouth Defender Tyrone Mings Turns Out For 7-A-Side Game After Local Lads Answer Twitter Plea (Photos):

May 24th, 2017

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With the season now over and done, Bournemouth defender Tyrone Mings found himself stuck for something to keep him occupied on Tuesday night.

As such, the 24-year-old put a plaintive plea out on Twitter in desperate search for a local football match to play in…

Sure enough, quick as you like…

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Image: Twitter

An hour or so down the line, Mings tweeted a post-game photo, thanking his new chums for inviting him down to play on a whim…

Tyrone Mings: Good Egg: Confirmed.



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